What it is really like being an Insomniac

 

I’ve had a lifetime to develop and describe what one who has insomnia really goes through.  When your young and active you really never see it as an issue, of course, your parents usually described me as a tornado of destruction all day long, energy abound and at night a wholly terror of manipulations to avoid going to bed let alone trying to sleep.  I always seemed to use this ability not to sleep and pent up the energy to my advantage, working on frivolous stuff that led me to know where.  If I had the ability to concentrate I could have been a Valedictorian at any high school or university throughout the land my problem was, I had no idea what was going on with me nor did I care at the time because I could stay up all day long, doing whatever it was I did and then at night go out party, then make my friends feel guilty for not staying up with me all night talking about philosophical topics such as where was the next dance going to be, what dances were we going to practice to throw down on the crowd, big huge ideas that would have transformed the world.  Things like Vietnam, the Cuban Missile Crisis, The Democratic National Convention in Chicago, The Black Panthers, The Labianca Murders, Richard Speck, Charles Manson were all going on right around me and yet I was so busy with my own life it has taken me a lifetime of reading and research about the above topics I just mentioned.  I am not bragging in any way if fact I am quite embarrassed to say that those things happened right under my nose and I knew nothing about them.

Getting back to having this wonderful thin call insomnia, I have been to many great institutions, seen some of the top Doctors in this field and have realized they are no closer to being able to tell me how to handle this issue.  I have had behavior therapy, cognitive therapy, sleep study after sleep study, been diagnosed with sleep apnea, been given more pills then carter has kidney pills all are temporary stop measures but none ever seem to last long enough to do any damage to cracking into being able to sleep.

The best advice I have been given after years with one Doctor, many of sleep studies, was your body has a rhythm, we have tried to reset your rhythm and it has failed miserably so now I believe you should listen to what your body is telling you.  If your body want to stay up for 48 to 56 hours stay with it when it want to shut down and it will want to shut down just let it shut down.  That is great advice to a person who is retired, does not have a spouse and intends to leave a hermit life because most of your friends are married, have kids, jobs and need to sleep at certain times.

I did battle through holding a full-time job in education for 30 years, coaching for 33 years, running 15 marathons and 1, 50-mile race before being ravaged by major surgeries two knee surgeries, hip replacement, and two shoulder rotator cuff surgeries.

So how do I handle my insomnia now, the same way I let my body dictate what it needs to do, the problem is most people don’t understand your situation or problem nor do they care and everyone has a suggestion as of how to fix it.   I am trying a relationship something that I haven’t been involved with in over 23 years and the problems now have multiplied 10 fold.  I want to be tired when they are, I want to go to sleep when they do, I wear myself out during the day by working out and eating right and then the sun goes down, we crawl into bed my body is aching to scream for sleep my head hit the pillow and whallah my eyes jump open wide, my mind races like crazy and here I am lying next to a person you want to spend the night with but your body and mind will have nothing to do with it.  You feel guilty at first, you lay there trying to convince yourself you will fall asleep, then you twist and turn, now you’re rocking the bed with your legs pushing off the end board, the guilt gets bigger, you start wondering if your partner is going to resent you in the morning for not allowing them to sleep so with your body aching for sleep, guilt-ridden you pull yourself out of bed go to another part of the house only to stare at the walls but realizing your no longer torturing your spouse or special person you start to relax and suddenly the bedroom door fly’s open the poor person on the other side has a sad face and is lost as to why you do not want to sleep with them.  You get up to go to the bedroom to repeat this process maybe 3 to 5 times a night and in the morning for the 50th time you try to tell them what is an insomniac, they say they understand but when your body starts to shut down on the way to a party, of family function, church, just a drive in the country or just sitting in the living room together as your eyes start to close and you believe you will really get so good rest you here.  No sleeping during the day, the longer you keep yourself up the more tired you will be when night time comes…People please realize this is an insomniacs nighttime, it’s when his or her body want to shut down, it’s not a clock, it’s your body.

I hope this might shed some light on to people who live with insomniacs.

 

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